The Perfect Case

Aye, laddies and lassies, tis’ a fine morning here at Stately Undercover Manor.

The one year old is systematically torturing the family poodle, who is not quite smart enough to avoid him completely. She has what’s commonly known as Battered Poodle Syndrome. Her rationale is that if she can just keep the house clean enough, maybe he won’t try to pull her ears off today.

The four and a half and three year old are playing a game I’m pretty sure is called “Smell My Butt”. The rules are somewhat vague, but points appear to be awarded on a sliding scale directly proportionate to how close you get your butt to the other contestants face. Actually managing to fart in the other players face results in either an immediate disqualification or an immediate world championship, depending on if yours is the lucky face or not.

Starry Eyed and Adoring Wife yells from the other room that I shouldn’t be laughing at this game, much less helping them keep score. By the tone of her voice, I can tell she does not yet suspect I taught them the game in the first place.

Inevitably, I corral the Little Godless Heathens in front of the 57 inch rear projection babysitter unit. Today’s distraction is Sinbad, which is a cartoon that apparently only my children watch. Sinbad is voiced by Brad Pitt, by the way. To show his appreciation for their support, Brad actually dropped by to watch with them today. Then I went to the bathroom for two minutes (okay, forty five minutes), and when I came back he had adopted them.

Heh. Jokes on him.

With my children’s minds safely in the care of Hollywood, I commenced to writing my investigative report from yesterday’s case. Yesterday’s claimant was what PI’s refer to as “The Perfect Claimant”.

Let me explain.

You see, our clients aren’t really that concerned with what type of video evidence we obtain on their claimant’s, as long as we get something. They don’t like reports that say the subject was home and inactive all day (even though that happens more often than not). Makes the client think you stayed home to watch the Showcase Showdown.

So why was my subject yesterday a Perfect Claimant? For the following reasons.

She:

• Was active, but not tooooo active. She made brief but documentable appearances throughout the course of the day.


• She drove slow. Real slow. Have you ever been to South Florida? That slow.


• She lived in a neighborhood still under development. PI’s love lots of construction activity nearby. Lets us blend in comfortably without nosy neighbor interference. God forbid your subject should live near an elementary school, because you’re screwed.


• She appeared to actually be hurt. It’s great to catch your subject working on the side and all, but Oy Vey the paperwork.
• She was blissfully ignorant of my presence. She had a strange vehicle behind her for over two hours, and had no clue about it. Great news for me, bad news for her if she ever has a real stalker.

And there you go. So, having justified both my existence and invoice, I shall now indulge my taste for the classics. Something old…

Hennessey, maybe.