Red Light District

Most days, Faithful Readers, I wake up with two goals in mind. They are:

A). Resume drinking

- and –

B). Take over the world

Having achieved the former for the day, I shall now focus on the latter. And that’s where you come in, Unquestioning Disciples.

You see, I was dismayed this morning to find my subscription to The Economist had lapsed for non-payment (Like I’d pay for such tripe). With the call of nature beckoning me to my Porcelain Throne, and lacking suitable reading material, I did the only thing a man of my stature could do in such a situation:

I whined.

“There’s nothing to read in the bathroom!” I cried indignantly to no one in particular and the gods of all creation in general.

Upon hearing of my plight, Starry Eyed and Adoring Wife proceeded to abandon the task of dressing and preparing breakfast for three toddlers while simultaneously getting herself ready for work and focus on that most important of issues…MY HAPPINESS.

And yes, it’s all caps.

Actually, she just yelled, “Read the damn newspaper. I’m busy!” But in my fantasy; however…

Having always considered The Dallas Morning News more along the lines of quasi-socialist, liberal propaganda birdcage liner than a newspaper, I nevertheless relented in the face of overwhelming urgency. Besides, I was pretty sure I could find another use for it in there…

And there it was. A story about more Texas cities installing cameras at intersections to ticket red light runners. In case you’re wondering where The Man might be watching you in Big D, here’s the graphic they included in their so-called ‘newspaper’:



Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for law and order and civil obedience and yadda yadda whatever. I’m sure that such deterrents probably will save lives at dangerous intersections. I’m sure they probably ultimately serve the public good. Like I said, I’m all for it…

…as long as…

…as long as it…

…as long as it does…

…as long as it DOES NOT AFFECT ME.

Because lookit, kiddos, Daddy runs lots and lots of red lights throughout the course of the day. And the vast majority of the time, its work related. I follow people for a living, do you dig it? If necessary, I follow them through red lights. All PI’s do it, allright? And if everyone does it, it must be okay.

Just like that time I jumped off that cliff.

So, understand me, local law enforcement and constalbury officials, for I am not a difficult man. Take all the pictures you like. Mail your little tickets every driver in the greater D/FW Metroplex if it makes you feel better. BUT LEAVE ME ALONE...I’M WORKING...Okay?

Should you fail to heed my warning, rest assured my minions will rise up against you. They are docile creatures, but can be incited to madness when under the influence of my Kool-Aid.

I’m not paying fifty tickets a month. Do you understand me? No…tickets…