Train Wrecks I Cant Look Away From In 2006

Avian Bird Flu Outbreak – Because my cockatoo’s boss is a real ass when he calls in sick to work

The Disappearance of Lindsay Lohan –How the hell did Hollywood get the idea that the American male’s idea of a sexy woman is one built like a 12 year old boy? For crap’s sake…open your mouth…insert food...repeat 3 x’s daily

The Middle East – How easy would it be for the tensions between Idaho and Wyoming to spill over and ignite the tinderbox that is Utah? Think about it.

American Idol – Low ratings and lack of mass marketing exposure could doom this little known gem to cancellation. Write to Fox, people. WRITE…TO…FOX!

Liberals vs. Conservatives– Ever since the first nerds landed on the internet, the Captain Kirk vs. Picard issue has been the driving force behind the World Wide Web. Fight the good fight, Starfleet brothers!

My Ever-Evolving Culinary Skills – Sure, tonight’s meal wasn’t the best I ever made. But I think my wife’s use of the word ‘dogs**t’ was a bit excessive…

Cindy Sheehan – Makes out with Hugo Chavez and gets thrown out of the Capitol during the State of the Union address – all in one week. Plans on resuming her demonstration in Crawford, TX, after a brief jaunt to Cambodia for a photo op at Pol Pot’s grave.

The part that baffles me is that she must have handlers out there telling her, “This will lend credibility to your issue! Acting like a nut at the State of the Union address, that’s it!” Think how much more powerfully she could have gotten her point across by having the cameras fade to her sitting in dignified silence every time the President addressed the war in Iraq.

But noooooooo, hell no.

She gets to her seat and starts UNDRESSING, trying to reveal her t-shirt that reads ‘Bush is a Poopiehead’ or ‘Van Halen Tour 82’ or whatever. Hey, I don’t agree with her message or position, but having given a son to service of God and country, she has a right to be heard on the issue. But since every action she takes seems to be designed to sabotage her credibility, what the hell can you do?

My Ever-Expanding Beer Gut – It isn’t called ‘getting fatter’. It’s called ‘Reaching My Manifest Belly Destiny’.

Senator Ted Kennedy – Shine On, You Drunken, Crazy Diamond. His screaming tirades continue to justify the existence of C-SPAN.

Wikipediagate – Congressional staffers defacing other Senator’s and Congressmen’s Wiki entries continues to justify the existence of the Wikipedia.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin – Hurricane Katrina levels his city. Goes on the radio and cries. Tells the government to get off their asses. Practicing what he preaches, gets off his ass and moves his family to Dallas. Buys a house in Dallas and still pretends to be mayor of New Orleans. Blames both God and the President for the disaster. Says New Orleans must remain a ‘chocolate’ city, all the while maintaining residency in the very ‘vanilla’ city of Dallas. At a town hall meeting, he is quoted as saying "I can see in your eyes, you want to know, 'How do I take advantage of this incredible opportunity? How do I make sure New Orleans is not overrun with Mexican workers?'"

Ray ‘Sexual Chocolate City’ Nagin gets Daddy’s vote for Most Glorious Train Wreck to Watch. He also is clearly this year’s winner of the Special Media Dispensation allowing him to make plainly and overtly racist comments that would get a white politician personally drawn and quartered by Christiane Armanpour on CNN. He’s expected to accept his award later this month at a ceremony attended by past winners, the Rev. Jesse ‘Hymietown’ Jackson and former President Bill ‘F** These Honkeys’ Clinton.