Captain's Log

4:45 AM

Alarm clock goes off. I try not to think about the fact that people in China are still up and being productive at this hour.

5:55 AM

Arrive at my Subject’s supposed residence. The tags on the vehicles in the driveway don’t come back as registered to him. This is known as a bad start to a PI’s day.

6:07 AM

The Subject’s neighbor is already on his front porch eyeing me. Long, scraggly hair, tattered shorts, no shirt, prison tats…Speed Freak. Oh, great.

6:14 AM

Speed Freak neighbor is real spooked. The speed makes them hyper aware and super paranoid, neither of which I care to deal with at this time of the morning. He saw me pull up, so he knows I’m in the van. He's probably been up all night scratching the bugs under his skin. Just a matter of time before he comes over.

6:23 AM

Can I pick em’, or what? Speed freak walks up to the van and knocks on my window.

Asks if he can help me.

I somewhat impolitely suggest that as he appears to be unable to help himself, he certainly is in no position to help me or others similarly situated.

I’m a bear before I finish my first cup of coffee.

Speed Freak adopts a very un-Christian attitude towards my endeavors and makes salacious and unsubstantiated claims about my mother. This prompts me to exit the vehicle to request further clarification; however, Speed Freak wisely opts to return to the cozy confines of his meth lab. I knew there was a reason God made me 6’2.

6:43 AM

Speed Freak lets his yap mutt out to bark at my vehicle incessantly. I reach into the back seat for a box of doggie treats I keep for such occasions. I throw Fido a Milkbone and he decides I’m a friend worth having. Try again, Speed Freak.

8:45 AM

Still no sign of the Subject. I place a call to his number to verify I have the right address. I tell him I’m with a courier company and I have a package to deliver to him. I must have the wrong address, though, because there’s no such house number on this street.

Subject becomes suspicious and says he’s not expecting a package.

I suggest that it is not so much a package as a small envelope…the kind with a window…looks like it might possibly have a check inside…

Subject suddenly feels incredibly cooperative and proceeds to give me his complete name and address. Now I know I’m at the right place and that he’s home.

Gordon Gekko was right.

Greed is good.

To Be Continued…


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that is something interesting. Lol at speed freek. WHat would you have done if he kept pestering you?

You 6'2? Thats a real P.I then.

Waiting for more.

This is interesting man.

5:46 AM  

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