Magnum P.I., You Lied to Me

Ohh, Thomas Magnum...Why did you lie to me? Don’t you know I worshipped the Hawaiian ground your sockless penny loafers walked on? As a young boy, I could aspire to no greater heights than to lead the life you led. So cocky, and yet down to earth, you made me believe that being a PI was the coolest job on earth.

Cooler than astronaut…

Cooler than rock star…

Cooler than third string middle linebacker making league minimum for my beloved Houston Oilers, who’s day in the sun would certainly come. If not this season, then surely the next….

You lived in an opulent Hawaiian mansion. For free, I might add. No, scratch that. You got paid to live there! Perks? You had a few. I’m not sure what HMO or dental plan your boss Higgins provided you, but I am sure he gave you a megasweet Ferrari to tool around in. And tool around you did. Hither and thither, coming and going, investigating various crimes and personal dramas in the greater Honolulu metro area. But wait, what if the case was on another island? What if special guest star Farrah Fawcett was being held hostage by an evil gun-runner in his highly fortified complex on Maui?

“No prob”, you’d say. “My man T.C. has got a helicopter, for chrissakes! We can be over there in a jiffy. Hey, I’ll probably solve this entire case in 44 minutes, allowing for commercial interruptions. I’m Tom Magnum, Baby! Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts!”

Ohh, but you lied to me, Tommy Boy. I’m not the bright-eyed kid who trusted your every word that I once was. Where’s my Ferrari, Magnum? You know what kind of vehicle my employer provides? A MINIVAN. That’s right, a nondescript Dodge Caravan with blackout tinting and a tripod set up in the back. You know why, Magnum? Because you can’t do surveillance in a Ferrari!

Oh sure, you did every week and now every day in syndication. Ohh, but you lied to me, Magnum. Because, you know what? There are certain behaviors in the human animal that are predictable. By that I mean that most people will react in basically the same way to a particular stimuli. One such stimulus in this crazy world of ours…IS A FERRARI!

People the world over tend to notice Ferraris. They’ll say things like, “Hey, look. A Ferrari.” Or, “Wow, sweet Ferrari”. Or possibly, “Hey, is that Ferrari following me?”

That’s why there are no Ferraris in this industry, Mr. So-Called P.I. And if you think a Ferrari will catch their attention, imagine what a freakin’ HELICOPTER will do. So you lied to me, Magnum. You took a young boy’s hopes and dreams and smashed them like a coconut against the jagged Hawaiian lava rocks.

How do you sleep at night in that lavish mansion of yours?


Anonymous Private Investigator Austin said...

Ha, I have the same problem right now. I would love to buy a new fancy car but I know I could never use it for work. So, I'm doomed to drive around in my old plain car. Maybe when it's time to retire I can buy that Ferrari, or I guess there is nothing wrong with buying 2 cars now.

3:36 AM  

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