Friday

Dear John

You learn a lot of things as a PI that the average guy would never know.

For instance, you learn to always park on the next block up while doing surveillance. The average person knows what vehicles belong on their block, but has no clue about the next block over.

You learn how to comb public records at the courthouse for uncollected judgments that you can assume ownership of and track down the debtor on, making a pretty penny in the process.

You learn to keep a box of doggie treats in the backseat to throw the neighborhood yap dog that’s threatening to give away your position.

But most importantly…you learn where to use the bathroom in public.

Face it, kiddos, field investigators have to go like everyone else. The difference is desk jockeys have the luxury of hitting the head down the hall.

But if you want to be a professional PI, you have to accept certain realities. And going potty where you can is one of those harsh realities.

Now, there are certain acts you can perform from the comfort of your surveillance vehicle. An empty Gatorade bottle or two will get you through most cases. Not the most pleasant subject to discuss over dinner, but necessary.

Then again, there are times when only porcelain will suffice.

So get out your notepads and learn from the master, cause here’s the comprehensive list of the best places to find relief from life on the street.

#5 McDonalds – Accept no substitutes if you must resort to fast food potty palaces. Mickey D’s are generally cleaned several times per day. Always well stocked and stalls are roomy and comfortable. You deserve a break today.

#4 Wal-Mart – Wally World’s omnipresence and global dominance works to your advantage, greenhorn. Here’s the trick that separates the rookies from the seasoned pros. Never, NEVER go for the front of the store location. Waaaay too much humanity in and out of there. Head for the rear near customer service/layaways. Much lower traffic and generally better conditions overall.

#3 Starbucks – Coffee being a diuretic and all, the folks from Seattle have planned appropriately. Sparkling clean facilities and smooth jazz in the background. Added bonus, you’re generally never more than a quarter mile from one of their locations.

#2 Hotel Lobbies – The swankier the better is the key to these gems. Just stroll straight in like you’re a guest and find the lobby level privy. Hit the head early enough and you can swipe a Danish and cup o’ joe from the continental breakfast room.

#1 Hospitals – The Holy Grail/Cadillac/Mount Olympus of public toilets. Clean, cool, clinical and antiseptic. You usually leave feeling cleaner than when you walked in. Note – Try to avoid the emergency room facilities, heavy traffic can detract from the overall experience. Hit the elevator and head up a few floors. You’ll undoubtedly find a quiet little gem where you can contemplate the universe and all its glory for a few minutes.

There you have it. Feel smarter?

You’re welcome…

6 Comments:

Blogger Striver said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WoW! I soo wanna become a P.I...Actually Being a P.I is like a dream come true. So you're a P.I? Cool. I know quite a bit about P.I stuff, so if there were ever a P.I on my case, I'd be one step ahead...Lol...Joke.

I think its fun...Dont you think?

P.I's try to blend in with people, but I can tell a P.I from a mile away...Their eyes are always at work, unlike the people walking the streets...

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ive read your full blog, and found it very interesting. Why dont you write more often?

4:52 AM  
Blogger Johnny Undercover said...

Well, I usually post during my rare bouts with sobriety. But those are so few and far between...

7:03 AM  
Blogger Bluedazecrazy said...

Very interesting blogs - much more entertaining than the majority of blogs out there (such as my own). You might think of someday writing a book. Magnum would be jealous.

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Private Investigator Austin said...

I have female investigators working for me. LOL. I'll have to print up your bathroom list and make it mandatory reading for them. Coke bottles might be a little difficult for them to manage.

3:19 AM  

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